Updated: Apr 29
This day and age, almost everybody appears to smoke marijuana. And with weed coming into the mainstream quickly in a big way, that number is only going to go up. Yeah, if you've been smoking for years or now getting into this amazing weed, here's a short reference to the various types of stoners or types of weed smokers you're likely to bump into on your toking journeys.
So what are the different types of stoners we come across?
1. The Stoner Chick
Signature smoking method: Cute pink bowl that matches in her purse.
This type of stoner, when she’s smoking, this usually liberal arts-educated chick is cool as hell. She listens to good music, has a genuine laugh, often goes without a bra, and is an all-around smoke-show. Also, she’s frequently friends with old guys who think she wants to bang them so she could get a bud. But when you’re not stoned you realize she’s just kind of boring.
2. The Artist
Signature smoking method: Homemade bong
This type of stoner, It’s no secret – these creative people smoke pot. It’s just how it is. But since this person is more productive when he smokes, he has a life-long free right on smoking weed whenever he wants. That said, he’ll rarely talk about smoking weed because he doesn’t want to admit that his last 4 great ideas came to him while watching scenes of “Blues Clues”.
3. The Patient
Signature smoking method: Vaporizer
With increasing awareness of medical marijuana, it seems everyone these days has some serious medical condition requiring the magical powers of the pot. But for the truly terminal, life doesn’t get much better than blazing up some weed in a vaporizer and watching re-runs of “Murder She Wrote”. Not that you have to be dying to enjoy that or anything.
4. The Outdoorsman
Signature smoking method: Bowl
This type of stoner doesn’t f**k around. This dude knows what to do when you encounter a bear and how to tell time with the sun. He can make a bowl out of anything, knows which mushrooms to eat – and which ones not to eat. You practically want to be him, until you realize his most satisfying day likely consists of hitting a bowl of kind bud at the base of Mt. Everest, followed by a week-long trip up a god-damn mountain.
5. The Creepy Old Hippie
Signature smoking method: Joint – Sri Lanka Buddhist Monk Pipe
Yeah, this type of weed smoker is stuck in the ’60s – but why? My guess’s because this hippie bastard likes to pick up chicks, smoke them down and touch them – just a feeling. Add that to the fact, he’s smoked too much weed and doesn’t have much else going on. You almost feel sorry for the guy. Almost.
6. The Retiree
Signature smoking method: Expensive pipe/bong
These types of stoners have been waiting for this moment since Woodstock ( A music festival ). After growing up in the 60s, they did the responsible thing, made their money, sent their kids to college, and are now settling into the glory years of reading The Newspapers, gardening, and smoking a sh*tload of weed. They mostly smoke at home, probably in “the den,” while listening to country music and daydreaming about not being old.
7. The Connoisseur ( an expert judge in matters of taste )
Signature smoking method: The Hurricane Bong
Even though this type of stoner always has the best weed available, The Connoisseur is kind of a douche to smoke with. On top of just talking way too much about weed all the time, he only smokes organic weed, only takes ‘green’ hits and is just an all-around buzz killer. But like I said, he does have great weed, so you’ll still hang out with him, you mooch.
8. The Moocher ( a person who lives off others without giving anything in return )
Signature smoking method: Whatever you’ve got
These type of weed smokers are not necessarily a bad guy – but still a pain in the ass – The Moocher only smokes weed when you smoke weed. You realize he’s doing it, but he seems to always have something terrible going on in his life that can only be remedied by a couple of pulls on your bowl. (What are you gonna do?) And if he finds out you always have weed, forget about it – you’ll have to kill him to make him leave.
9. The True Stoner
Signature smoking method: Roach
This type of stoner is easy-going, goofy bastard who always starts his days off with a wake-and-bake culture of his bedside bowl, followed by as much extra weed smoking as possible. He’ll always have just sufficient weed on him to keep him operating through the day. That is unless he just changed his dealer, in that case, he’ll smoke most of his bag the first night.
10. The Professional
Signature smoking method: Something strong
If you don’t catch this lad in the act, you’d never figure he smokes at all. That’s because, most of the time, he’s working his ass off. But when he comes home from a tough day, the only way he can chill out is by getting high. I mean really high. These types of weed smokers gets great weed but often doesn’t know the difference between specific strains of marijuana. But that’s OK, they don't have time for that bullsh*t.
11. The Teenager
Signature smoking method: Coke Can/Apple/Toilet Paper Steamrollers
These types of stoners are whacked-out of their minds already on mind-altering hormones, teenagers love to smoke pot. These newbies always think they have the best weed, but half the time it’s just a bag of grass clippings and shit. But when they have real weed, they’ll smoke anytime they have more than an hour away from their parents.
12. The Gen-X Parents
Signature smoking method: Brownies
Deep down, these types of potheads are unbelieving and pissed off. In their spare time, they do yoga and attend wellness seminars and have the worst children on the planet – I mean real shit heads. They work at ad agencies and have a property and generally suck to hang out with. But you know what the perfect cure for all that is, don’t you? Yep, it’s weed. High five!
13. The Quitte
Signature smoking method: Whatever you’ve got
These poor saps are trying to quit something – usually alcohol or cigarettes – but can’t maintain the glaring horrors of reality of being completely sober. So they smoke pot. And when they do, one of two things will happen: a) they only take a puff or two and then say nothing the rest of the night, or b) they take a puff, hang out for a bit, then sneak into the kitchen, steal your bottle of vodka and have a night of good old’ fashioned self-destruction.
14. The Drinker
Signature smoking method: Anything besides a blunt or a giant bong, it will terrify em'.
At first, This type of weed smoker never wants to smoke. They approach the suggestion of any marijuana with a good dose of hesitation. But before you know it, they’re all ‘Well, maybe just a hit.’ Two bowls later, they’re elbow-deep into a bag of Doritos, talking non-stop about how amazing his life is and cursing liquor to make room for the herb. The next day, he’s back on the bottle.
15. Ghetto kid ( a part of a city, especially a slum area, occupied by a minority group )
Signature smoking method: Chillum or joint
No matter the Ghetto Kid’s race or where this type of stoner is from, when he gets high, 9 times out of 10, he'll throw on a beat and start free-styling for hours, until it’s so boring you can’t even have fun smoking pot anymore. And when he is not doing that, he'll complain about anything that’s pissed him off within the previous 36 hours, then acts like it’s nothing. And after all that, they are still one of the best people to smoke with, ever.
16. The Sorority Girl ( a society for female students in a university or college )
Signature smoking method: Her boyfriend’s gravity bong
Like the moocher (but significantly hotter/more disagreeable), the type of stoner ( Sorority girl ) only smokes weed when someone else buys it. But every time she does, she gets way too high and passes out within 20 minutes of burning a blunt. But before she’s out, The Sorority Girl will complain to you about how awesome she is – compared to Benny, who’s a total b*tch, BTW.
17. Rastafarian ( distinctive codes of behavior and dress, including the wearing of dreadlocks )
Signature smoking method: Fat joint
Like The Connoisseur, This type of stoner takes his pot-smoking dead seriously. You can’t understand a word he says before he lights up, and just forget about it if he’s already stoned. However, if communication is a must, your best bet is to take a few shots for yourself and everything will become crystal clear. You’ll see why they call it a religious experience.
18. The Suburb
Signature smoking method: Sh!tty metal bowl
This dude ‘just don’t give a f**k.’ He smokes and drinks at the same time, gets crazy at parties, and loves to blow sh!t up. Chances are he grows all his kick-ass weed (in somebody else’s cornfield). And he usually falls into one of two categories: funny or dumb. But regardless, either one is fun as hell to toke-up with.
19. The Metal Kid
Signature smoking method: Bowl
Short of going backstage at a Slayer show, nothing makes this type of stoner happier than sitting in his basement apartment, listening to bands like Skeleton Witch (on vinyl), and watching Metalocalypse. And for some reason, when a group of these surly fellows smokes, nobody talks – but nobody’s uncomfortable. Except you.
20. The Skater
Signature smoking method: One-hitter
You might mistake this type for The Stoner or The Teenager. But unlike either of those ass-clowns, The Skater has an extremely high potential for raw widespread destruction, no matter how much he’s smoked. If a bunch of skaters who you don’t know to show up at your house, expect to see the cops sometime before dawn, I promise.
21. The Teacher
Signature smoking method: Spliff or Wooden Pipe
When you only know this type of weed smoker as your hard-ass literature professor, it’s hard to imagine him doing anything but re-reading The Taming of the Shrew in his spare time. But you know what makes The Taming of the Shrew more hilarious? Of course, you do – and so does the prof.
22. The Frat Guy ( An annoying collection of insecure guys who need help getting laid )
Signature smoking method: Joint
Because of constant sporting obligations in high school, The type of weed smoker never smoked weed until just before graduation, or when he moved away to college. If you smoke him down, from then on, every time he sees you, he thinks you’re stoned, even when you’re not. And the only thing he ever talks about is how high he is or plans to be later this evening at the party.
23. The Druggie
Signature smoking method: Anything that works
The first way to know that weed is not a real drug is by seeing someone who’s taken real drugs after a real binger. And since coming down off of drugs like heroin, meth, etc is about as fun as trying to screw a pillowcase filled with broken beer bottles, the only good thing to stave off nausea, headaches, and all-around condition is a few quick hits and a room without light. Now, when has anyone ever had to do that with weed?
Check out: 16 ways to tell if someone is a stoner